Knowing Heaven
by fascimility
Summary: [TenKen] Kenren finds Heaven in labcoats, snow and skin.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Although I really wish I did.

Notes: Written in about 110 minutes. I tried to incorporate that filling an obligation thing, but it might be a little hard to find… First time writing for Saiyuki so I hope I got the characterisations right. For tm challenge: White Day. Comments and criticism welcome.

_**Knowing Heaven**_

Snowflakes twirled and danced in the wintry light, their spiral descent illuminated by the noon sun.

The wind swept past, coolly caressing, drawing him into its chilly embrace.

He leaned back, feeling the rough bark of the tree against his coat, and the snowflakes down the nape of his neck. He felt the cold of the day, and the pleasant warmth of the sake burning in his stomach.

He felt at peace with the world.

The world? Or should he have said heaven?

Heaven in all its flawless perfection. Heaven in all its shameless deceit. Heaven, which he knew, hid a thousand murky secrets.

Coiling his long legs around the branch he was sitting on, he drew from his hip the ever-present sake jug, watching its golden contents flow in a delicate trickle into the cup.

He remembered the last winter, where he sat in the same tree, saying that all he needed were sake and women.

And now, he wondered why he ever said that, wondered in his idleness why he bothered to put up a foolish deception, and wondered why in pleasure lay a hard kernel of pain.

He knew too, that if there was no sorrow, there was no joy; if there was no pain there was no pleasure. And if there was no death there was no life.

Where had he got that from? It flowed from his mouth easily, a mantra long ingrained from many sleepless nights of pondering and thinking. It was from a book, he remembered that much. It was from a book in the corner of a library. Tenpou Gensui's library, to be exact.

He knew that Tenpou had read the book many times, for it was dog-eared and crumpled, placed in its perpetual spot in the drawer of Tenpou's desk. A bookmark was placed at the very page, and the passage highlighted and fingered with the hands of a man who knew the fact well enough.

He felt as though he was a dirty cheat. Really, he couldn't care less, but Tenpou was there as a stark reminder of the things that he wanted desperately to forget, just as he was there as the forbidden fruit that Kenren only tasted in his dreams.

He cheated sorrow, he cheated pain, and he cheated death. But he knew as a gambler that his luck would someday, as all other things, run dry. When that someday came, his carefully constructed tower would be reduced to smouldering ashes, and his world would disappear alongside with everything else.

The person responsible for holding him, Kenren Taishou, together was Tenpou Gensui. It was his strength, his will, his power and his position that held the world that was slowly holding apart together.

How many nights had been spent in the strong arms of the man who wielded so much power that he never ceased to be awed by it? It was in those nights that he really lived, drowned in a surfeit of pleasure, feeling comfort pass over his ravaged body like a soothing balm. He derived strength from Tenpou's touch.

It was also Tenpou's position that held him afloat the dank waters of the rotting bureaucracy. It kept him from being pulled down into its murky depths before he could see the light again.

The winter scenery was gorgeous. Snow dusting the courtyards and roofs, covering every surface in a dense white blanket. It was as though someone had taken a pillow and ripped it apart, letting the featherdown inside cascade down in an unending shower of white.

He sat in the midst of the swirling mass, the delicate snowflakes landing softly upon his ebony hair. The landscape was brilliant, dazzling; a world encased in a flawless white shroud.

At the periphery of his vision, he caught sight of shadows flitting past, their indistinct forms a fleeting vision. People were looking for him, he was sure of that. Nosy people who wouldn't leave him alone with his sake.

Yes, he had snuck out from another boring routine meeting again. He couldn't help it; winters were meant for enjoying, not sitting shut up in sweltering rooms.

He lifted the cup leisurely up to catch with perfect timing a sakura petal. It drifted gently down and landed in the sake, a delicate pearly white against the golden liquor.

The sakura blooms were flowering then. They represented resilience, for they flowering in the season where all others had died, and thrived best in the harshest winters, Their ethereal beauty was forged out of the freezing winds and tempered by the chilly snow.

So they took on the pure white of the snow they lived in, possessing a purity and strength that was so unlike the heaven in which they grew.  
He held for winters like this both hatred and love, for they reminded him that underneath the beautiful façade was a pain that stung, that could only be cured by Tenpou Gensui.

A year ago he would have laughed at the thought that he would become so wholly dependent on one man. He would have scoffed at anyone who told him that he couldn't make it alone or live without another person. Then, he thought he was strong, but time had proven him wrong.

He lived for Tenpou. Tenpou was the element that he lived in, swam in and died in. He was his life, his death and resurrection. It was his fatal addiction. It was as though he couldn't do without him. It was Tenpou that drowned his pain in the endless nights, and brought him to life again in the waning dawn of the following morn.

He…

"You should come down now, "

Kenren snapped round to look at the person who that deceptively soft voice belonged to. Aaa… So, it was Tenpou.

"Why? The sakuras and the sake are too good to miss. And aren't you also missing the meeting…"

His voice came out, oddly petulant, like a child defending his actions after being reprimanded.

"True," Tenpou said, smiling in that way that he knew Kenren couldn't resist. It was a real smile, one of happiness, one of pleasure, one that only appeared when the both of them were together. It was the one thing that Kenren feared losing.

"Aaa… " Their conversations were always punctuated by periods of silence. Not an uneasy silence pregnant with expectation, but one filled with silent warmth that came only from a deep understanding.

They didn't need to speak, because they knew each other's thoughts like their own. They knew winter was a time of reflection for both of them, where their thoughts wandered and they began skipping meetings to meet each other.

If there wasn't always time after hours, then they made time in between. It didn't matter that rumours made their rounds three times and back again, circulating through the ranks like wild fire. If Tenpou didn't care, then Kenren wouldn't either.

Because Tenpou had to shoulder most of the brunt. Tenpou had more power, more authority, and more to lose.

They knew the consequences. Of course he knew, and he knew that Tenpou knew. It was a calculated risk, nothing more. It hurt to face the truth, but it hurt even more to live in denial. So they indulged in whatever happiness they could salvage out of their lives

It was guilt that struck up inside him every time they met. Kenren knew that their relationship was heavily dependent on Tenpou. He resented the fact, but there was nothing he could do. He reasoned that it Tenpou didn't complain, he had no right to complain for Tenpou, so he lived with his guilt and kept it bottled up inside.

It was almost savage, the way Tenpou would cry for him and need him. Their meeting were short, and they had to make do with what they could. They time was spent in a passionate frenzy of want and need, charged by the lust they felt.

But there were other times too, where they had the luxury of time, and they could linger in each other's arms. It was then that Kenren found solace, where the pain was less, and the guilt more bearable.

"I owe you too much, Tenpou… " He couldn't stop himself from voicing that.

" Do you? I don't feel so,"

"I… can't repay you. For all you've done, for all that you have to do, "

"You think too much, Kenren. I do what I have to do," The same Tenpou. The same cold logic, unclouded by emotions and as calm as ever. He could never be like that…

And then he said it.,"… I love you, Tenpou."

It was a confession that neither of them would ever make, because they knew it was true, and the truth hurt. They lied to themselves, lied that it was only lust, lust for each other, and nothing more.

Kenren didn't know much more, because it was then that he felt himself climbing down the tree, moving with surprising alacrity and crossing over to where Tenpou stood. he took the marshal in his arms, pulling the both of them together till they touched, and the mist from their breath combined as one.

Nothing much more made any sense, because all Kenren remembered was a whirlwind of white swirling before him. He remembered snow, white lab coats and pale skin lying on the ground as one heap, blending with the scenery and petals and snowflakes.

If he remembered nothing else, the one thing that he knew was that his debt was repaid, and that it was here, with Tenpou that the pain was gone, and that it wouldn't return for a long time.

He knew he was truly in heaven.

The End

14/03/2004


End file.
